David

I need to write about David. You see, David committed suicide. I've heard some people say that suicide is the unforgivable sin, God will punish him for that, it is taking a life, etc. I'm here to tell you that God is much bigger than that. God is fully aware that we are human, with limits, with needs to escape, with frailties. You can be sure that God understands fully and completely that David was ill and unable to cope with everyday situations and stresses.

As human as we are, we are unable to 'see' inside the hearts of people and know what they are thinking or feeling. We see only the outward part that they are willing to show us. Try as we might we are limited in our abilities. God doesn't have those limitations and He knows our hearts and minds. He is our Creator and He knows everything about us.

David was a wonderful young man. He was smart, capable, brilliant in fact. But he didn't have a handle on his emotions and struggled with trying to understand it and get some kind of control. Yes, he had some things happen in his life, just as we all do. With him those struggles were insurmountable. The 'things' he was going through were pretty much regular problems to most of us, things you just work through, keep on truckin' as they say. But to him they were not conquerable and he blamed himself and he couldn't stand that either. He wanted to be good and do what is right and he didn't have the ability to work through the problems. He became a victim of suicide. The more he thought about suicide the more he wanted it. Suicide is a desparate, misguided attempt to end unendurable pain at any cost. David had been carrying his pain since before the sixth grade. He believed he didn't have a choice or a hope. In most cases suicide victims have cancerous problems precisely because they are over-sensitive, wounded, too bruised to be touched, and too raw to have the normal resiliency needed to deal with life. It is the weakness of the illness. Suicide is an illness, not a sin.

For those of us left wondering why, thinking we should have said this or said that, could have done something differently - we need to know and accept the fact that we are not to blame and we should not unduly second-guess ourselves. Part of the anatomy of the disease is precisely the pathology of distancing oneself from one's loved ones so they cannot be present to the illness. To lose a loved one to death is painful, to lose a loved one to suicide is disorienting. In essence, suicide is emotional cancer, emotional stroke. It is impossible to digest. It is grave psychological disturbance. Sometimes it can't be cured. And God, more than anyone else, understands this. His understanding and compassion are much deeper than ours and His hands are infinitely gentler than our own. If we, in our imperfect love and limited understanding, have some grasp of this, shouldn't we be trusting that God, who is perfect love and understanding, is up to the task? God, who can descend into any hell we can create, goes straight through our locked doors, enters into the hell of our paranoia, illness, and fear, and gently breathes out peace.

David - we miss you and we love you. I know you are with Jesus and are cradled in His loving arms.

Hillary and God

The day God 'spoke' to me - I was in an emotional upheaval because our pet had just died. Hillary, our black Labrador, had been with us for 16 years. We got her as a new little pup and she became one of our 'kids'. She was one of those very special pets. At one time we had two black labs, Dara & Hillary, both females. As it turned out they both had pups at the same time. We built raised, and matching, dog beds in the back yard right next to the French doors so we could watch as they cared for their new litters. We had five 'other kids' so this was going to be a good learning experience as well as fun. Hillary was a great Momma, loving, coddling, caring. Dara, however, didn't care for the idea of being a Momma and took care of her pups only upon necessity, leaving the dog bed most of the time. Hillary didn't care for Dara's lack of motherly instincts. One day when Dara was again out of the bed and away at a distance, she went to Dara's bed and one by one she moved the pups in with her own. From that time forward she fed and cared for both litters. We knew then that she was a very special dog.

As the years went by, 16 of them, she was with us. Sometime around the 14th year of her life she developed cancer. The vet told us we could have chemo-therapy treatments, but she is lucky to have lived past 12 years already and might not survive the treatments. These treatments would be costly, the same as they are for people, so it would be something we would need to contemplate before making the decision. She was weak and looking frail. She had aged gracefully and had these adorable white hairs on her face now. You could look in her eyes and see her spirit. You could tell she was in a lot of pain. She was used to sleeping on the bed with our daughter, Courtney (they were the same age and had been together always). But now it was too much of a chore for her to try to get on or off the bed by herself, so we assisted her. In the morning when she needed to get down she'd stand overtop Courtney and stare directly into her sleeping face at a range of maybe 5 inches, and just stay like that, staring, until Courtney awoke and put her out. Courtney always got a kick out of that, waking up to this big black face, right there, breathing on you, waiting for you - so adorable.

Courtney promised her we would take her to the beach and let her run before she had to leave us. We couldn't imagine how she would be able to 'run' on the beach, but we all agreed it would be a good thing to do. The family gathered together and prayed over a small piece of cloth, annointed it with oil, and holding that cloth to Hillary we prayed for her. It was amazing, her transformation. She took a little nap and when she woke she was energetic, hungry, and full of spirit. We took her to the beach and she ran with us, played in the surf, and investigated every little thing she came across.

She seemed to be doing great for a few months, and then the lapse would come again and she'd be too weak to eat or play, couldn't get on or off the bed again, and had no interest in doing anything at all. We'd pray over her with the cloth again, asking God to take away her illness and her pain and let her be with us for a while longer. She'd perk right up and be her old self again for a few more months. God was right there with us, as He is always.

This continued for a couple of years. One evening Courtney sat beside Hillary on the floor in the living room. She held her and asked her if she wanted to go. She told her that we all knew she wasn't feeling good and that she had stayed with us so we could enjoy being with her longer, and because we, the human ones of us, couldn't let go. But if she was too tired to keep going, she could make the choice now, we were ready. She had given us more years than she should have been expected to and we loved it, but it was her time now to choose. It would be okay if she wanted to go. Courtney told her that she would sleep on the couch that night so Hillary wasn't tempted to try to get on the bed. She put Hillary's favorite blanket on the floor beside her. That night Hillary passed on. It was so emotionally difficult for us. Hillary was one of our family.

We planned a beautiful funeral for her. We chose a spot on the slight slant of a small incline on my brother's property. It was the spot where the sun first hits when it rises each morning. We made her a cross and on it we wrote our goodbyes and all the nicknames we called her. We wrapped her in her favorite blanket and she laid on my daughters lap in the car as we drove her to her burial spot. That was a very difficult time. We placed her in her grave, each of us giving a eulogy, and prayed over her. We all sang beautiful songs and placed rose petals and a few of her cherished toys in with her. We gave her a wonderful special goodbye because of the wonderful special life she had given us.

A day or so later it really hit me and I could not contain my sorrow. I took a shower thinking that would calm me down. I was wrong. I cried huge buckets of tears, gasping for breath, face swollen and tormented. I couldn't stop. I asked God 'why'. I asked Him why was it that we could receive such a special gift in this pet and they weren't to live longer than they do, how is it we are to say goodbye, why was it so hard, where do dogs go when they die, do they go to be with Him, I hadn't read that in the Bible, why does this have to hurt so much, and on and on and on, all the while torrents of tears. I was completely out of control with sorrow. Right at the moment when I thought I was going to faint because I couldn't breath and couldn't stop wailing, God's voice spoke to me loudly and booming. He said 'Be still and know that I am God. I am in control of all things". It stopped me in my tracks. My tears immediately disappeared and a calm came over me. I was awe struck. I was overwhelmed. I was surprised. I was happy. I was thankful. I don't know if I can accurately describe how I was at that moment, but I do know I will never, ever, forget it. I knew that Hillary, our baby girl, was going to be alright and is with our Lord and Father and all things are for good. All things are in His timing and He showed us His truth through our loving and being loved by our Hillary. We are truly blessed.