David

I need to write about David. You see, David committed suicide. I've heard some people say that suicide is the unforgivable sin, God will punish him for that, it is taking a life, etc. I'm here to tell you that God is much bigger than that. God is fully aware that we are human, with limits, with needs to escape, with frailties. You can be sure that God understands fully and completely that David was ill and unable to cope with everyday situations and stresses.

As human as we are, we are unable to 'see' inside the hearts of people and know what they are thinking or feeling. We see only the outward part that they are willing to show us. Try as we might we are limited in our abilities. God doesn't have those limitations and He knows our hearts and minds. He is our Creator and He knows everything about us.

David was a wonderful young man. He was smart, capable, brilliant in fact. But he didn't have a handle on his emotions and struggled with trying to understand it and get some kind of control. Yes, he had some things happen in his life, just as we all do. With him those struggles were insurmountable. The 'things' he was going through were pretty much regular problems to most of us, things you just work through, keep on truckin' as they say. But to him they were not conquerable and he blamed himself and he couldn't stand that either. He wanted to be good and do what is right and he didn't have the ability to work through the problems. He became a victim of suicide. The more he thought about suicide the more he wanted it. Suicide is a desparate, misguided attempt to end unendurable pain at any cost. David had been carrying his pain since before the sixth grade. He believed he didn't have a choice or a hope. In most cases suicide victims have cancerous problems precisely because they are over-sensitive, wounded, too bruised to be touched, and too raw to have the normal resiliency needed to deal with life. It is the weakness of the illness. Suicide is an illness, not a sin.

For those of us left wondering why, thinking we should have said this or said that, could have done something differently - we need to know and accept the fact that we are not to blame and we should not unduly second-guess ourselves. Part of the anatomy of the disease is precisely the pathology of distancing oneself from one's loved ones so they cannot be present to the illness. To lose a loved one to death is painful, to lose a loved one to suicide is disorienting. In essence, suicide is emotional cancer, emotional stroke. It is impossible to digest. It is grave psychological disturbance. Sometimes it can't be cured. And God, more than anyone else, understands this. His understanding and compassion are much deeper than ours and His hands are infinitely gentler than our own. If we, in our imperfect love and limited understanding, have some grasp of this, shouldn't we be trusting that God, who is perfect love and understanding, is up to the task? God, who can descend into any hell we can create, goes straight through our locked doors, enters into the hell of our paranoia, illness, and fear, and gently breathes out peace.

David - we miss you and we love you. I know you are with Jesus and are cradled in His loving arms.